I’ve started several times to write this post without sounding harsh or judgmental. There are three different versions of “Raising Gentle Children in a Mean World” sitting in my draft queue right now. But none of them fully expressed how I felt about the matter. Each of them was missing a part of me. I think that part was the angry part, if we’re being honest. And we don’t have it all figured out over here, either. Let’s just go ahead and get that out of the way. We’re all just learning as we go. And our ways aren’t better than your ways. And we don’t expect perfection, from parents, from kids, or from ourselves. But I have some opinions about some of the methods out there and I didn’t start this blog to dance around it. So, let’s just cut to the chase. No tip-toeing. Just real, raw feelings here that might sound a little angry. You can handle it though, right?
Here’s the deal: If your kid is mean once, twice, I have no problem. Kids have moments. They’re people. There will be times when they make bad choices. Moments when they aren’t their best self. But if you, as the parent, have not made a considerable, obvious effort to correct it, especially in social settings where your kid’s meanness is affecting people outside your household, then we have a problem.
Children will fight, snatch, spit, cry, yell, and generally just have moments when you think they have lost their mind. Our kids do it. Your kids do it. All kids do it. Perhaps we are aliens from another planet over here but we teach our children to recognize when those moments have impacted another in a negative way. Of course, they are children, so they have to be reminded frequently, sometimes daily, to be mindful of their actions and reactions. The trouble I have is with the parents of grade-school kids, who are clearly still being molded and influence greatly, who allow their kids to act like sneaky, mean, little devils with no real consequences for their actions. Letting “kids be kids”, or the one that really sticks in my craw, “boys be boys”, just doesn’t sit well with me. No, we will not just let them be. We have a job to do. One that we feel is kind of important. Mr. Thistle and I have been entrusted with two little lives that we will one day have to send out into society. We believe that we should raise them up to be healthy, contributing members of society who know how to be kind.
And we don’t believe they’ll just become those generous, gracious, compassionate, and kind human beings on their own. We don’t leave them to their devices to figure it all out on their own at such an early age. Sure, we could roll the dice and see what happens. Yes, I understand that children with parents who aren’t as uptight about preaching kindness and gentleness can grow up to be kind and compassionate. But it’s a risky gamble. One that has poor odds from my experience. And one that I’m not willing to take.
And for those who would label us “helicopter parents” who have blown “bullying” out of proportion, let me say this: those two terms have been thrown around haphazardly and abused to the point of having little of their original meaning any more.
Yes, we are very present in our children’s lives. But not to make decisions for them. We are very present because they are young and impressionable. We do not believe we should make “missionaries” of our children by sending them out into a backwards world to try to live according to the standard set by our family on their own. So we are there to redirect them should they need it. We are sure to be present often so that we can correct wrong behavior immediately, while the impact is fresh and can be seen. We advocate for our children but we don’t work to create perfect environments for them like a helicopter parent would. We let them experience disappointment and we are working to teach resilience when life doesn’t go their way.
And as far as bullying goes, sometimes you just have to own up to the fact that your kid is a bully and get to work correcting it. Yeah, I said it. It is our responsibility as parents to ask ourselves if our kid might be the bully in the situation. Because, even kind kids can have moments where they get carried away. Bullying is a real thing. Yes, the media has capitalized on the emotion behind modern-day bullying. Yes, bullying has been around forever and ever. Yes, kids survived it then and most will survive it now. I hear all your arguments. I hear you when you say parents and kids are too sensitive these days. I hear you when you argue that bullying is worse now than it used to be because kids have access to more weapons and are under less supervision. I hear all of these things. But the one thing I never hear discussed in depth is teaching kindness. Unless you’re Ellen, in which case, you’ve figured it out. “Be kind to one another.” That’s all. And where do kids learn that? From their parents. Bullying isn’t about how it was done when you were in school or how tough kids aren’t these days. It’s always and forever been about a kindness deficiency. Teach your kid kindness and compassion and gentleness, daily, constantly, until it becomes second nature.
The other thing about bullying is that we are not teaching our children to be push-overs, either. If your kid is a bully and comes at my kid too many times just know that he has been taught to take care of himself. We teach a “do no harm, but take no s*it” approach in these matters. Perhaps that is the missing link between teaching kids to be gentle and kids who are too sensitive. Perhaps they haven’t been taught resiliency. That’s one area I’ve found to be tricky to navigate, to be honest. It’s a tightrope act, really, balancing kindness with being a push-over.
Then there’s the notion that, because we are raising boys, they should be “tough” in an aggressive way. Bologna, I say. Our boys play hockey (one of the toughest sports around, in my opinion), wrestle in the living room, and idolize super heroes. They do all the typical boy things but not at the expense of a gentle nature. They have a respect for people, animals, and the planet that doesn’t come from teaching toughness, but mindfulness. We know that they will face tough situations in a tough world but instead of teaching them to put on a false bravado, we teach them to be resilient. Toughness does not build resilience and does not mean that you are sufficiently masculine. We teach our children that they do not need the approval of mean kids, aggressive boys, or star players to feel good about themselves.
The last thing that really confounds me is when I feel the stares of others when we correct our children. This is where the old-school part of me is baffled. I feel like it used to be the other way around. That if your kid was acting a fool and you didn’t correct him people gave you “the look”. But I’ve found it to be much more the other way around. People cast judging glares when we correct. They stare, confused at our standards. I can feel the eyes on me as we pull our children away from those kids who are relentless with their meanness. The glares come from the parents of the child committing the offense. It’s all so backwards to me.
What it boils down to is we simply will not be raising our children to be hardened because the world is mean. We don’t want their potential for compassion and kindness to be replaced with hardness, callousness, and meanness. We will continue to raise them in an environment that teaches them to recognize the humanity of others, advocate for others and themselves, and be emotionally resilient.
We will continue to take the road less traveled. Hopefully they will, too.
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